Monday, September 7, 2009

Welcome to the Slaughterhouse: Christianity: The best damn protection racket around!


"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter." George Washington

Welcome to the Slaughterhouse, America!!
By Nicholas Meyeres



Christianity is the belief that a cosmic Zombie Jewish carpenter who was somehow conceived without a father, but who is in some way his own celestial father born of flesh and blood to a VIRGIN; who can also make you live forever only if you symbolically eat his skin and telepathically tell him every night before bedtime that you accept his claim as lord and master over everything in creation; so he can mystically remove the invisible evil force living inside of you like an undetectable tumor all because a woman wearing a fig leaf was convinced by a talking snake to eat a magical fruit from a forbidden tree in a lush, tropical, beautiful garden somewhere in the Middle Eastern DESERT…. Do I have that straight?

Makes sense to me too!

Seriously though, Christianity is a belief system that denies all sorts of other beliefs to everyone else here on Earth, but when someone denies ours to us we are outraged, and further, we feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists anthropomorphize other life forms such as great apes as some distant cousin perhaps more intelligent than your average hillbilly uncle from the deep south, but they still have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt, a rib, and a breath of life from an invisible man sitting somewhere in the sky spying on you when you shower. This is the "God" that gives you famine, plague, murder, rape, and United States Congressmen— not a toy train set and a dolly that wets herself on command for Christmas. No. Just all the other really, REALLY bad shit!

Which bring me to a relatively recent census report: According to the Federal Bureau of Prisons, it was concluded that Christians make up 75% of the entire U.S. population. And that they also make up 75% of the prison population. While conversely, atheists and agnostics make up almost 20% of the total U.S. population, but only .029% of the total prison population.

Isn’t that just a little interesting? When we grow up being taught that a kind, tolerant, all-seeing, all-knowing, benevolent god that cares for us murders the entire population of the Earth just to "start all over" because he isn’t pleased with the outcome; it makes me wonder if our "nature" to be sinful is really all that ironic given how we were "raised" by a God with more anger management issues than a drunk at Christmas-time. God needs a 12 step program, that’s for damn certain!!! Seriously, isn't this the ultimate Nature vs. Nurture senerio? It's our "nature" to be sinful according to religious folks, but damn it!- God sure does suck in the nurture department, am I right!?!

I mean, to believe a loving Lord who would just as soon banish you to an eternity of Hell rather than allow you to think for yourself makes you wonder how honorable this dude is to start with.

Of course, then there’s the old adage that “God told me to”, which actually works out for some people. Or rather, the ones who say, “I wanted to be just like God—that’s why I killed all those people with a high-powered assault rifle from a cockroach-infested hotel room three stories up.”

But, good news! All we have to do is say to the offender, “accept God into your heart and you are saved”, or that it was all “God’s will” and thankfully we’re all off the hook from actually using our brains and figuring it out ourselves.



God is good, indeed. REAL good. And sneaky as shit!

But hey, I can’t prove the God-nonsense anymore than the average Christian can prove his claim that God IS real, so I guess it’s all a moot point in the day’s end when it’s all done anyway. After all, whether you buy a ticket for the magical Mormon underpants tour, believe in talking bushes that espouse the word of God through musical theatre, think there are entire worlds chock full of virgins waiting for you when you die, or know that Tom Cruise really IS from another planet— there are only two different people in the world. The sane, and the bat-shit crazy!

But are the religious THAT crazy? Religion seems to be a pretty smart racket, to be sure!

Several forms of rackets exist. The best-known is the protection racket, in which criminals demand money from businesses in exchange for the service of "protection" against crimes that the racketeers themselves instigate if unpaid.

Let that sink in for a minute or two.

Alright, done? Religion is the single most brilliant protection racket around!

Let’s break that definition down by the numbers, shall we?

Several forms of rackets (religions) exist. The best-known is the protection racket (Christianity), in which criminals (ministers, priests, reverends, etc.) demand money (tithing) from businesses (sinners) in exchange for the service of "protection" (the right to go to Heaven) against crimes (sins) that the racketeers (the church) themselves instigate if unpaid (you go to Hell).



"Traditionally, the word racket is used to describe a business that is based on the example of the 'protection racket' and indicates that the speaker believes that the business is making money by selling a solution to a problem that it created (or that it intentionally allows to continue to exist), specifically so that continuous purchases of the solution are always needed."

You can’t get any clearer than that!

So, when you lie awake in your bed at night wondering if you will go to Heaven or Hell when you die, remember this: Life ain’t so bad on this rock while you’re here, if you let it be. Sure, bad stuff happens to good people and hot pink Capri pants are still being sold in stores; but the sun still shines, birds still sing, healthy babies are born every day, and Ben and Jerry’s comes in 62 flavors and counting! And, if by some stretch of the imagination I am right and this is all you got, you will have wasted it all for the chance at something better that was never really there in the first place. Besides, life is short and you gotta’ lot of ice cream to try!

After all, Thomas Jefferson said, "Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear." And who am I to argue with one of our greatest Founding Fathers?

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